WAR ON DRUGS // SUFFERING

The instructions say: Apply the cream with a sponge and safely scrub away to remove any stains. Use a cup of water to do a final rinse, then take pride in your sparkling white sink!

I’ve sat there scrubbing the same spot for months. Working tireless to remove the stains. Examining with each rinse if it is sparking and white yet. Nope. Nothing is working.

I’ve committed myself to continuing the work to be the best I can be but it’s still not enough, it’s never enough. That’s when I realized  how long has it been? Have I really not been myself for this many months? Has it really been that long that I’ve been fighting this, unwilling to admit what is going on. It feels like I’m a failure. That I, someone I think of a pretty damn strong and determined, is unable to do this on my own.

I sit here with the prescription in my hand. Still contemplating taking them because to me it’s failure. It’s admitting I’m not powerful enough to do this with my mind and dedication to myself. At least not right now. I’ve talked to a fair amount of people about this and it’s alarming how everyone seems to have been here in this exact place I am in, but with their own experience. Why is it so common in our society to get to this point, the point where you feel like its all unraveling around you and you can’t pick up the pieces and keep on keeping on like you’ve done so many times before. Each step so daunting and overwhelming. And yet until you yourself are in this exact place, no one is talking about it? So this is me, in the darkest place I’ve ever been talking about it in hopes that someone in need finds this and it helps them because just airing it out there is helping me (at least for a few moments). This is me thanking my close friends for checking in on me and making me do things even though I am not myself and loving me anyways, oh yeah and reminding me to eat or go outside 🙂 I really appreciate it.

 

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